It's been a long time since I've posted anything new here. It's not that I've not been writing - I have. I just haven't felt the urge to put them up. Will backdate the more interesting posts when I feel more up to it.
The Stockholm Syndrome.
I didn't really believe it when our seniors talked about it. But it's true. I do miss Stockholm.
I miss the crisp, cold air that blasted into my face every morning - It got me going at the start of every day. It made me want each of my days to be productive and useful.
I miss the drive and ambition that I had there. I felt a want to prove myself. I actually felt like I was worth something. Yes, it's pride at play as well. But the self confidence that I gained there motivated me to keep going, keep growing, keep doing, keep trying. There was a certain sense of 'i can do it'. There was a part of me that didn't want to give up, no matter the odds.
I miss the people. They are brilliant people. Geniuses in their own field, driven, confident yet humble, hardworking yet fun. They surrounded me with such a bright light, I couldn't help but start glowing as well. Here, the flame's starting to flicker. I'm scared. I don't want it to die out. It's too beautiful to let go.
I miss the working life that I had there - I enjoyed it so much, I didn't really think of it as work. It feels like my momentum is slowing down here, even though I'm trying to keep it at bay.
I miss the flat organizational structure, where I was able to call my colleagues and bosses by their first name. They gave me the time of the day, and patiently explained and discussed many things with me, even though I'm but a small fry who didn't deserve their attention.
One of the modules I'm taking this semester is about business communications. Many students complain about it, saying that it's common sense. But common sense isn't all that common. I look at the mistakes in the examples given, and see myself in much of it. Accusing people instead of the problem, being aggressive instead of assertive. And I realized that it's not really about how you express your words - It's about your attitude in the first place. You see, I'm quite a sarcastic, condescending, arrogant and critical person by nature. And selfish, too. With people whom I don't look up to, I don't treat them with the respect that a basic human being deserves. I become critical. Instead of objectively trying to solve the situation, my speech and actions are directed against the person. Instead of improving the situation, I typically end up destroying group morale, and then find myself complaining when I don't achieve the desired outcome. It's something I hope to work on - not the tone of my emails per se, but the molding of my actual character and attitude.
This is something I appreciated in Stockholm - Not simple diplomacy, but an actual attitude which comes from the heart. There were many role models that I could have learnt from, but my pride prevented me from doing so in that one year. Hopefully, this semester, I'll be able to improve in this area, even if it's just a little bit.
Somehow, I just feel like slumping in my corner and letting the world tick by. Not very productive of me. A complete opposite of my hectic, exciting life in Stockholm.
I know I've said it lots of times, but I miss that place. I'm just a little scared that, if I go back, things will have changed, and the beauty might have faded.