I've been reading a number of reviews about Rachel Held Evans' book, Evolving in Monkey Town, and it's piqued my curiosity to want to get my hands on it as well. Perhaps an e-book, because as much as I dislike reading from a computer screen (the tactile feeling just disappears when that happens), I can't see myself lugging back a few kilos worth of books when it's time for me to pack my bags and return to sunny Singapore.
As I read Chaplain Mike's review on her book, this excerpt caught my eye:
Sometimes I long for the days when I was so certain, when faith was a sure a thing as thunder after a lightning flash or the scent of almond cherry at night. Things have changed a lot since then, but not necessarily for the worst. (p. 43)
Exactly how I feel, to the tee. There was a time when it was so much easier to have faith. You didn't doubt. You'd just believe. But as I grew older and cynicism kicked in, I found myself doubting more and more. There are times when I yearn to retrieve this simple, trusting faith - this complete adoration for God and the innocent acceptance of the Bible and the church.
But, like Rachel puts it, this journey of doubt isn't necessarily for the worst. I remember the days when my daddy was everything. He was perfect in my eyes, and I adored him, for no reason at all except for the fact that he was my father, and he loved me. But as I grew older, I began to learn more about him. I began to see qualities in him that I admired, to love him not just simply because he loves me, but because he has won my love and trust.
It's the same with God. Through my cynical questioning, I've learnt more about this God who is so awesome, so powerful, so distant and yet so close to my heart. Right now, it still feels like I'm getting to know about Him, but perhaps one day I can reach a point where I can sincerely say that i know Him.
If only I had faith as small as a mustard seed...