Sometime this morning, I came to the realization that I'm a very selfish, self-centered person.
It's all about me.
I ride a motorcycle because I love the freedom and thrill it brings me, despite the worry I bring to my family and friends
I came to Sweden purely for myself - because I wanted to experience something different, for my own personal growth
I work late nights not just for the benefit of my company, but because I want job satisfaction, and secretly get satisfaction from being recognized by my bosses and peers
I'm organizing an event not just because I want to inspire other youths to know more about entrepreneurship, but also because I myself want to learn from organizing an event, and to be inspired by them in turn
...And, if I'm a little more honest:
I try to give my best in project work assignments, not just for the benefit of the team, but because I hope that my effort and abilities will be seen and/or applauded by them
I hide stuff from my family/friends not just because I don't want to hurt/upset them, but because I don't want to admit that I'm not as perfect and I try to make out to be
I try to be self sufficient, not just because I don't want to burden my parents financially, but because I'm proud and don't want to 'owe anyone a living'
I love my friends and care about them, because seeing them happy makes me happy
I go to church not just to worship God, but to be filled, to be at peace, to sing and to hear others sing, to find a place in a community that proclaims to accept me as who I am.
Every single last action, no matter how innocent or giving, still seems to boil down to me. I do things to benefit me, things that make me happy. Even a simple act of giving might ultimately be because I receive happiness from knowing that I made someone else's day, or an inner satisfaction that comes from receiving the recipient's thanks.
Yes, I am that selfish. Realizing this, and writing it down, makes me rather ashamed and disgusted with myself. (But is this because I'm ashamed of my behaviour, or also afraid of how others might view me?)
I recalled a short game that my church youth once played - We were asked to talk to another person for 1 minute without using the words 'me, my or I'. If you mentioned those 'taboo' words, you lost the game. If my memory serves me right, nobody managed to complete the challenge. Either that, or the conversation was very stilted, because people simply skipped the words 'me, my or I' in the sentence. Most of us didn't even realize when we used it! It had become part of our daily vocabulary - to talk about ourselves without even thinking of it.
That's me-ology. Where everything revolves around me.
Is that the reason why I find it so difficult to obey certain things that the Bible proclaims is right? If it isn't detrimental to my personal satisfaction, or as long as it doesn't impact my financial health too badly, I gladly raise my hand and say 'amen, these values are good and right, and should be obeyed'. But the moment the Bible says something that goes against my personal beliefs, or requires a sacrifice that I'm not prepared to make, I argue, "but it doesn't make sense, why does it have to be this way? Perhaps the Bible got corrupted along the way".
Is God sitting on the throne of our hearts, or are we still grabbing hold of the armrests, unwilling to give up the seat?
[Friends, after reading this, I hope you guys won't start disowning me as your Facebook friend!]